Monday, January 26, 2015

Entry #3: Dichotomy


A division or contrast between two things that are represented as being opposed or entirely different.

A photo I took of my friend Morgan. 

A separation between realities. A contrast. 
Black and white. 

Me and everything I want in life.

An intersection.

Him and I.

In a letter, he ended with something along the lines of, "keep smiling, my friend."

And I cried because I had failed again. With him, I failed.

It hurt, but I got over it. I remembered those words. I moved on. And life got better, until then, it didn't. Somehow my heart was still wounded by the sound of his name.

I put my anger into words and I wrote a book, but I couldn't finish it because I didn't see the end. And I remembered God saying, "I promised you this one."

I promised you this . . . I promised you this. 

But maybe he didn't.

On good days, I forget about him. On better days, I remember every detail of his face. And on days like this, I beg for amnesia.

It's usually in my frustration when I gradually remember words from a book I've read:

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. And maybe each time, we've been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.

I realize that I am deeper in this than I would like to be. 

We were a story. 
Your smile and your quirkiness were an abundance of words tattooed on my heart. 

But I'd freely give it all if I could delete you from my hard drive. 

*takes deep breath*

I did this to myself. I'm living in my own dichotomy.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Entry # 2: Be Still

Usually it’s in the stillness when I hear the voice.

I followed this cat around. What an intriguing creature.

But lately, it’s been in the chaos.

It’s the background music, the dim lights, the mumbled prayers coming from those around me.
In all it's grandeur. Completely beautiful.

And the words I hear, I don’t always understand them.
No, sometimes I can’t tell them apart from my own, but it lures me in, and like that cat pictured above, I want to freely follow it into the wild.

It is stunning, this voice, and somehow I feel like it will all be okay.
I slip into oblivion. I am loved.
I am free.

So when it murmurs, I listen.
It is my sanity. My golden light. My night star.

All of it is truly amazing.
I could not say it enough.

All of you is truly amazing. 

Entry #1: Everything Has A Beginning

Regardless of what you do, where you go, or who you run into, there's a start.

Everything has a beginning.

LaCygne Kansas, The best place on earth. 

And so, with beginnings, here's the start of a new blog. On More Than Words, I'll focus on what's happening in my personal life. You get the privilege of stepping inside my brain and picking at my thoughts.   

I'll post pictures that I've taken of places I've been, or people who are important to me, so that we can relate better. 

This is, literally, an open book to my life, and I am more than excited to share it with you. Who knows, we could become best friends. (wink, wink.) 

The picture posted above is of a lake in LaCygne Kansas. I have it posted as the best place on earth because, to me, it is. It's where I live. (I'll expand on that in another post.) However, on the edge of that dock, I like to sit, legs crossed, and listen to the waves as I write. 

I like to think of it as an inspiration dock. Great things come from that old wooden thing. It's magical.

Beginnings start there. 

But today, I'm passing the torch on. Beginnings can start anywhere. It's like a constant bind of infinities. An anxious heartbeat.  

Welcome, my friends. Welcome to my new beginning.